all I can do

every teenaged girl is a martyr and some teenaged boys are less than half of a saint

being with you, like painting the city blue, seeing new
clearly! clearly! clearly!
children have to grow up at some point

like puppies and plants
and i keep killing mine!
not the puppies, the plants
then i wondered where the time went and why i kept forgetting to water them i inhale and my clueless momma let a teenaged boy sleep in my bed

half saint half saint half saint but i pray to him regardless
and the best is when he wakes up and remembers me
icy blue smoke and measured swinging
head filled with lead and 3 figures in staggered seats all looking statically at the same thing She sits in a church with red all around her She’s thinking times 10 of sin

four candles lean to the left and the last is much shorter than the other three but you didn’t light any of them
we never specified what we were and we never really had to
i feel like crying like sailing across country like quitting writing because it all sounds the same like turning everything off and trying not to worry about it like starting to pray like going away like missing my drugs and my yeah yeah yeah

i feel like turning away i’ve always said that it would be fine, i would be ok not sad, committed and blessed
not lonely, grateful and sure
but im missing and wondering and so so scared

held hands in front of two people and it didn’t feel naTural feel anonymous on the train feel anonymous by my place can sleep through each other and be left unconsidered around anyone else the secret continues but for now
your love is safe with me your love is safe with me your love is safe with me and ill hope u call ill know nothing at all

stay silent sullen and waiting
mommy says girl to the rescue i say “always!” She says “that’s not good, baby” She says “i don’t like that baby”
She says “you’ve gotten kind of mean”
“you’re being kind of mean”
and i “scream” i “shout’
“no no no mom not like that”
“not like that”
and she says “stop it’s gotta stop”
and i say “i know” but i know that it won’t
and i say “sure” but i know that i can’t
thought about u a lot today so happy so happy so
committed blessed grateful sure
don’t use me all up
She’s better than that
don’t use me all up,
im better than that
it hurts like twisting and i can’t do it back
i know i couldn’t do it back
if you stabbed me and handed me the knife and offered your chest all i would do is take offyour shirt
all i could do is take off your shirt

and hold my hand there
bloody
all i could do
walk not the same steps but similar strides try to recreate on unfamiliar ground Just 17 i don’t know anything at all

Just 17 i don’t know anything at all
im going to hold your head between my bloody hands, and try to see through the salt in my head